Sunday, 25 September 2011

Crohnly Time Will Tell

I haven't blogged for a wee while. Partly because our laptop is all but knackered, but partly because I assume when I'm feeling normal' I don't really think there is much to talk about.
Then the revelation came to me that it's GOOD to feel GOOD. I am actually allowed to bask in the happy feeling of having gone a few days without any symptoms.
It takes a lot to allow myself to enjoy feeling well. This might sound ridiculous, but it's very hard to just relax and enjoy even a few hours without pain or sickness as I'm constantly waiting for it to hit me, or worse, thinking theres something worse on the Crohn's horizon and this is just my body lulling me into a false sense of security..
I've also found myself reverting back to my old "I'm fine" patter, even with the closest of friends. I suppose this is because I don't want to worry anyone, and because I really do want to be 'fine'. Maybe if I say it enough I will be? But then I know this isn't a magical Disney world where if I wish upon a colon my dreams will come true. This is a lifelong disease, which if I'm honest I still don't think I've really come to terms with.
It's much easier now to tell people and explain it all to strangers even, but it's almost like I'm talking about someone else. Then it occasionally hits that it's actually happening to me. Daft eh?
Even with a constant reminder in the form of a scar, and seemingly endless rumbles from my defunct stomach, I still sometimes think in the back of my mind it's something that will pass. I don't really know if I'll ever get over this feeling, suppose I will eventually when I've served a good few years with it, but for now I'm still (clearly) a bit baffled by it all.
But let's focus on that feeling good I was talking about earlier. I have had a very stressful couple of weeks and yet have had little to no, major symptoms. Very unusual. Don't get me wrong though, I've still felt decidedly rotten a lot of the time, but no real pain, just niggles, as if my tum is giving it ; 'I'll let you off for now, but just so you don't forget about me completely, here's a wee jab to the guts! And another!' - Cheers stomach, cheers.
I need to learn to shake off the feeling of waiting for something to go wrong and enjoy the Crohn's-free moments I get. 'This is My Moment' as Martine McCutcheon once said, and while I can eat and visit the bathroom like a regular person, I shall try and make the most of it. That is after being tarred and feathered for just quoting McCutcheon of course.

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