I'm feeling rotten tonight.
Writing this blog usually helps with those feelings of rotten-ness so I thought I would give it a bash tonight when my rotten-ness is at it's peak.
I apologise in advance if this post is depressing and I'll allow you all a few minutes to prepare yourselves a noose.
Lots of abdominal pain last night and this morning. I've an achy head, i'm dizzy and my arthritis is playing up so my feet and legs are killing me.
Constant pulsing in my muscles and I can hardly keep my eyes open, seem to always be shattered. Plus I'm bloated to the size of Jabba the Hut. (That is the fat one from Star Wars? Star Trek? Stars in their Eyes? one of those shows right?)
It's not so much those symptoms or the pain that are getting to me, I'm used to this most days, it's more the gradual realisation of the limitations I'm starting to feel having a chronic illness puts on my life.
I'm not even talking about major life changing events here, or my Crohns stopping me from swimming the Channel or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro (neither of which I have any inclination or desire to do). It's more a gradual build up of tiny annoyances that chip away at me until I sink into the blues.
For example, here's how petty my Crohn's peeves have been today. I have arthritis, mainly in my left knee - this means when it's particularly bad its painful to walk on and I can barely bend my knee. I was furious with myself this morning at not being able to sit cross legged on the bus like I 'normally do' - normal being before Crohn's. I got to work and was so uncomfortable at my desk due to being a big fat bloater who'd chosen to wear those most impractical of garments, the skinny Jean. Again kicking myself (not literally obviously, knees too bloody sore for that) that I'd worn them when I should've known better.
Visit to my mum and dads after where my dad always takes joy in making his only daughter a wee bacon roll on arrival. Couldn't eat the damn thing without giving it big licks on the 'ouch' front every-time I tried. Kicking myself this time (again not literally, I really should hire some sort of Kick-Bot to take care of these kicks..) for making my Pa feel bad and for not being able to consume a simple bap on pig without issues.
My mum spent a chunk of the day telling me she admires me so much for the way I'm handling my illness. Really I want to say, at times I'm clearly not handling it at all!!
Then we had a wander around the shops where I felt dizzy and my legs ached. Feeling frustrated again that it's a case of my 65 year old mum asking ME if SHE is walking too fast for me. Makes me feel such a weakling, and in no way is that my mums doing, it's purely this wave that passes over me from time to time and is hard to shake.
It's so difficult to keep up this facade of everything being fine, not with my nearest and dearest as they know only too well how I truly feel, but with people on the outside of my intimate circle (steady..)
It's still very early days for me Crohns-wise and I still need to try and allow myself time to adapt to my new body. Just gutting when that realisation seems to punch me in the guts again and again.
Even midway through writing this I started blubbing and had to have a heart to heart with my beloved.
That crying has now given me a beast of a head ache so I'm retiring to the boudoir before I use this as another excuse to hire my Kick-Bot to administer a sharp boot to my shins.