Thursday, 6 October 2011

A Mind Of My Crohn

The world is filled with vanity, where beauty and perfection are portrayed to be everything.
Very hard therefore to try and keep up with the image of a woman the papers, magazines, films and adverts expect us to be. Harder still when you have a disease like Crohn's. One where your whole body (outward and in) can change in a matter of hours. When I'm in the midst of a flare-up the disease affects my hair (making it dry, thin and fall out at times), skin (dry and sore), makes me bloat to beach ball proportions, gives me hot flushes, makes my face chalk White and makes my bones and body ache all over. Pretty difficult to feel confident and attractive when all that's going down.
Plus the added bonus of a big Crohn's related scar. I've talked about my scar before, and I am a lot more comfortable now and have gotten used to the fact its going nowhere. I don't wince (as much anyway) when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, and can touch it without creeping myself out. Still find myself covering up though incase anyone outside my comfort zone may see.. I suppose I'm still petrified some mean person will catch a glimpse and run for the hills or vomit on my shoes. Highly unlikely but an irrational fear that's as yet not shifted.
Women have beauty shoved down their pretty little throats everywhere they turn these days. Sex and supposed 'perfection' sell literally everything - a gorgeous model in a slinky dress will sell anything from a new Audi to Anusol.  And we lap it up as they are far more beautiful than us and maybe if we own that product we too can be just as beautiful? No. And it's inconceivable that we put so much pressure on ourselves to look, dress, and act a certain way in order to feel accepted, usually by people we don't even like. Madness. Of course I'm no saint, I am guilty of the same things, I covet beautiful shoes as much as the next woman (or man, I'm no sexist) thinking what kind of massive difference they will make to my life, when all the while knowing that in reality I'll just own another pair of handsome shoes to gather dust in my wardrobe.
Having this disease I know I will never be conventionally 'perfect', if there even is such a thing. But I am unique. I have a funky scar down my stomach, leftover as a memento from where an amazing woman (again I'm sure with the help of some excellent male nurses..) removed a really, really ugly bit of me. That can only be a beautiful thing :)


  1. I agree, the scar is a symbol, a very potent one too. You are very funky too!

  2. Touching and true x