Thursday, 25 July 2013

I Love to Hate Poo

Crohn's can be such an all consuming disease. Particularly when you are in the midst of a flare up. There are times when almost every part of you is in pain. When even your hair hurts. 
In normal circumstances, (whatever they are) Crohn's has to be factored into your plans everyday, in everything you do. I wake up thinking about it and go to bed the same. That's not as dramatic as it sounds; in waking I have to plan my morning routine around what state my bowels are in upon getting out of bed/and or having breakfast. In going to bed I have to consider my partner and if my incessant trips to the toilet will keep him awake, or will I be able to get closer to him than a cuddle without feeling nauseous. (The is 100% related to Crohn's by the way; he is a fine figure of a man). 
Due to the persistence of the symptoms, Crohn's is a big part of most sufferers lives and therefore it's important you work out how much of an impact you are going to allow it to have. Lots of patients are 'fighting' Crohn's. I have pretty much resigned myself to living in as close as I can to harmony with my illness for now. I don't want to think of myself as constantly fighting a battle I can't win. 
That's in no way meant to sound negative, I truly hope there is a cure for Crohn's one day, but I want to live my life in hope, not in constant torment at a fight I'm in no way trained for. Besides, I've never been in a fight in my life, I wouldn't know where to start. (Unless you count endless scrapping with my younger brother, which to this day still makes me feel guilty.) I'm clearly not cut out for 'fighting'.

I love my illness in a strange way. I suppose I'm a lover not a fighter when it comes to Crohn's. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty volatile relationship and I'm not entirely sure it loves me back just yet, but I'm working on it. 

My disease has taught me an amazing amount about my own body. About bodies in general for that matter, and how they function. (Or not as the case may be). It's been a thrilling adventure for a lass who was once squeamish at the sight of her own nail breaking. I've been through so many toe-curling procedures and had so many implements inserted in so many orifices I've just had to get over that girlish nausea. But enough about my weekend, back to the blog..

Crohn's has also made me acutely aware of what I can achieve if I set my mind to it. If you choose to go with it and not allow bitterness to eat you up, it can fill you with a determination that's hard to fake. When your own body tries to set limits for you, that's when your mind puts it's proverbial foot down and forces you to take action. I've surprised myself in what I can, and have coped with and what I can do when I really push myself. 

My love for my illness grows daily. I hate it and love it in equal measure. Much like an evening coming from work to see dishes still piled in the sink, Crohn's disappoints me on a regular basis. Mild irritations as with any relationship are a common occurrence but you learn to accept them and find ways to better the situation. I've tried to look at, and focus on the positive sides of my illness. The friends I've made, the things I've learnt and the people I've helped with my blabbering writing. It's a pain, quite literally, but also a constant reminder of how strong and resilient I can be.
I love you Crohn's you mad bastard x x

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