Wednesday, 3 July 2013

My Crohn Worst Enemy

Even after what's now been several years, I sometimes still get taken by surprise by my illness. 
This seems ridiculous even to me, as I feel the presence of my disease every day without fail. Even on a 'good day' with hardly any symptoms I still have to consider Crohn's in almost everything I do. It's become such an unfortunate part of my routine that it is on my mind the majority of my day. 
It's a consideration in my life I cant afford to ignore, be it eating the wrong things or doing too much, making sure i've taken my medication or ensuring we have enough loo roll; my condition plays a major AND minor role in my day-to-day life. 
However, there are still moments when I struggle to come to terms with it. Where I feel like I'm on the outside of my colon looking in. (It's not a pretty place to sightsee I can tell you, only 3 stars on Expedia :(..)
It may sound daft, given the fact I've already mentioned what a major part it plays in my life, but it's often still a mild shock that it's actually ME suffering from it. I feel it physically a LOT, but mentally is a harder nut to crack. 
I regularly feel I talk about it too much. Like I become a health bore. I think about my illness for most of the 24hrs in a day so it stands to reason I must yap on  about it for at least 90% of that time? Well no. Apparently not. I don't talk about it nearly enough if my loved ones comments are anything to go by. 
So how to get out of this relentless funk where I'm reminded of my illness like a bolt from the blue and instantly feel the same crushing disappointment as when the doctor first diagnosed me? The truth is I don't think there is any easy solution. It's all about learning to accept what your limitations are and not holding your disease responsible for every questionable decision you make.
I think the way I feel is often something I expect only fellow Crohn's patients will understand. Which is great, I have an amazing support network online. But I should also remember that my friends and family are neither dumb nor blind. They know when I'm sick, when I'm in pain or just generally rotten. I should focus on explaining how I feel to people who care and not feeling so defensive when they quiz me. 
If I'm in the frame of mind where I've sickened myself thinking/talking/writing about my disease, the last thing I want to do is actually LIVE WITH IT! I'm well aware how daft that sounds but that's because it is! It's a crazy frame of mind but one that I feel I experience a big chunk of the time. 
I'm well aware I have Crohn's Disease, I just wish my body wouldn't try to remind me so bloody often. 

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