Sunday, 13 October 2013

Crohn to Pieces

Lately I’ve forgotten who I am. I feel a little like I’ve lost my identity.  I haven’t valued myself enough, if at all, and I am struggling to establish where I fit in in my own life.
Everything is up in the air and people who I have previously never doubted have suddenly executed U-turns which have knocked me for six. I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling quite forlorn and alone and I have been struggling to see past it. I’m writing about my woes because I feel it helps me think more clearly. I apologise in advance if it sounds at all whiny. If you regularly read my blog you’ll know this is never my intention. And if you know me in ‘real life’ you’ll understand why I’m being cryptic. Sorry about that.
I’m frightened of the future. I am afraid of what lies around the corner and unsure of my role in the world. I’ve never felt this way before and this is possibly what frightens me the most. I’m not depressed; anxious perhaps, but I don’t feel hopeless. Just a little bit afraid.  Before now the only things that scared me were Jenny Long Legs and those illustrations in my childhood story book of people with no features on their faces. ARRGH.

My disease is active and helping out my current stresses by acting up. This just adds to my already existing worries and makes life that little bit harder. For once it’s not my main concern but it serves to remind me that no matter what life throws at me I’ll have to consider my condition in everything I do. I’m blue and feel dejected. I know I need to pull my big girl pants up and get on with life but at the minute it’s easier to hide in a cupboard till it all blows over. Not literally of course, I’m also claustrophobic. (Should really have mentioned that under ‘things that scare me’…).  Living with Crohn’s Disease takes its toll and when stressful situations arise it’s hard not to feel sorry for yourself. I generally steer clear of this course of action as it’s a trait I find abhorrent in others. I prefer to focus on the positives and the rest tends to follow suit. Although it feels lately there haven’t been many of those positives to cling on to.

For once I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog. I think I’m just trying to remind you (and myself too probably) that you mean something to someone. You are special and unique and when you forget it make it your priority to surround yourself with people who love you and remind you.  The thing is, it’s very important to remember you are important. You offer something to the world. No matter what anyone else tries to tell you.  I need to take some time to remember that myself. Maybe I should just try to get over all those things that scare me.
Thanks for listening, I’m off to jump into a wee cupboard filled with Jenny Long Legs and cuddle someone without a face. X

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