Thursday, 21 November 2013

The Gutty Professor

Lately I've found myself in a bit of a funk. Not the Bee Gees-disco-ball-Saturday-Night-Fever kind of funk unfortunately, more of a Want-to-bury-myself-in-my-pillow-until-Spring kind of a funk. 
I've felt as though I'm rotting away like a discarded apple core and there's been nothing I've found to pull me out of these blue moods.
There is of course a reason for all this drama; I've been ill. Well, ill-er than normal. I've been in the midst of a particularly nasty flare-up, (I still am), and I'm worried about what lies ahead. I've been trying my best not to wallow in this misery, as I generally try to be as positive as possible in living with Crohn's, but sometimes it's hard to pick yourself up and get on with it AGAIN and AGAIN.
It often feels entirely hopeless when you are sick for prolonged periods. The word 'incurable' really hits home and it's incredibly infuriating.

I've felt in the last few weeks that I've been grieving for my former life. This feeling comes in spurts and normally goes just as quickly as it arrives. Much like a continually disappointing lover. 
Like any loss in life it's something you rarely get over, you just learn to live without it. The trouble with this particular loss is that I AM still living with it. 
In 'lifetime' terms I'm still relatively new to my disease. Although it certainly feels as though I've been suffering from the illness for the majority of my life. It's when the symptoms pile on top of one another that it starts to become more of a burden to carry than a diseased companion along for the ride. Like right now. 
Grieving is of course a slow and painful process; especially when you find yourself fighting the murderer of your former life on a daily basis. Slightly disturbing analogy perhaps but a lot of sick-leave makes for a lot of crime-drama viewing.
I'm only able to write this post as I think I'm slowly starting to come out of this particular blue spell. There is of course no getting away from my Crohn's Disease and there's certainly no quick fix, so why choose to linger in the misery? Because it's not a choice. It's an inescapable routine and I often feel I just have to ride it out until things don't feel so bad in head as well as body. 
Eating and drinking hurt. I can't sleep. I have a relentless headache and shivers and sweats. I feel faint and nauseous all the time and have 0.00% energy. It's hard to get through the day without wanting to weep at the utter uselessness of my body and it's even harder telling people that that's how I feel.

I don't ever want pity from anyone, and I certainly don't want anyone I love to feel sad for me in any way, and I believe I speak for the vast majority of Crohn's patients in airing those thoughts; but I do want people to realise that there's more to Crohn's than just a little pain and a lot of money spent on toilet roll. 


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