Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Flare All

Currently in the midst of one of those flare-ups where so much as breathing is completely and utterly exhausting. All I think about is Crohn's. All day everyday. I feel sick, I feel the overwhelming urge/ panic/ hyperventilation to get to a toilet, can't eat without pain, sweat and shiver and everything aches. Even my hair. How is that even physically possible? I certainly don’t know the science bit like Jennifer Aniston, I just know through trial and mainly error, that copious amounts of Loreal don't even help.

Because my Crohn's is flaring, I'm much more susceptible to germs, therefore all the other non-disease ailments that I can normally handle one at a time, are all paying a visit at once and my house (body) is completely overcrowed.
I can't concentrate on work, can't focus on anything for more than 10 minutes at a time and don't have the energy to carry out a conversation that involves me talking for any longer than about 2 minutes.

This morning on my way to work I said to myself, 'I can't do this anymore' - then internally mock-laughed at myself for how ridiculous and pathetic I sounded. In my head.
What alternative do you have, idiot?
Kill yourself? You couldn’t do that; who would feed the cats and remember to put the toilet seat down?
Hibernate?; pfft you'd lose your job and have to get up anyway to change the bedsheets so you might as well GET ON WITH IT.
This internal monologue plays over and over in my head like one of those excruitiating songs some DJ heard in Ibiza and decided to turn into a hit. All I hear is Radio Poo Poo.

So where to find some comfort and reassurance it'll all be OK when you feel this sick and hopeless? The doctor's office? From your loved ones? Motivational Quotes by Marilyn Monroe which may or may not be historicallly accurate?
Well any of the above, if they help you. Personally, 'motivational quotes' only 'motivate' me to punch things, and I generally find it really difficult talking to my loved ones about the mental side of Crohn's Disease. Possibly because it's often much harder to describe than the physical symptoms, and also more difficult to express without causing widespread panic amongst those who care for you. To quote 'Genie in A Bottle' by Christina Aguilera; 'my head is saying yes but my bowels are saying no'. (At least I'm pretty sure that's how it goes).  

When symptoms pummel you into the ground all day everyday, it's difficult to see past it. Mainly because as much as we want to get up and go, mentally; our bodies are literally betraying us. The main thing to hang onto, if you can, is that it will pass. It will get better. I know I can deal with this particular flare because I have before and will again. I don’t want to, and certainly wouldn’t choose to go through all this, but I sadly have to.

Having a positive attitude when everything around you (and inside you) feels so negative is very hard. It has nothing to do with bravery or with Marilyn Monroe words of inaccurate wisdom;  just acceptance and endurance. I accept I am sick and will be for life, and I will endure this flare-up and the next, and the next, because my cats will always need fed and my loo seat always need put down. Believe me on that one. 

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